Updated: Jan 6
Last week, someone told me that I wasn't enough. They were talking about some old shit, but, it hurt like a bitch. I'm getting stronger with criticism of all kind though. Actually, what they said was they"needed more", but to me it translated to the same damn thing. Then, they turned around and tried to start the process of giving me a really big Christmas gift. And although that briefly felt like the best ace bandage ever, it was still painful.
Until I stepped outside of that comment and realized that I was just fine, because that message wasn't for me. It was for them.
Quite honestly, I wasn't satisfied with them either. Mostly, I wasn't satisfied with myself back then, so then there's that. I needed more from myself. I needed to make better decisions, but I was still dragging around all the silliness. Once I stopped (even when I had no further plan) things shifted in my favor. The minute I picked that shit back up and started dragging, I created more problems for myself. Better yet, when the problems would arise it made them extremely difficult to tackle. I'm learning how to embrace the evolution of me and fortunately that includes giving a little less of a fuck about everything and everyone else. It feels good. Having tons of time in between relationships helps too. I have to do some key things along the way.
Like for starters, I'm commanding everything that I want in my mind and professing it with my mouth from now on. I love the way something goes from an idea to completion. In the middle I'm going to constantly remind myself not to sweat the small stuff. I know, this always seems easier to do when you're in a good position in life, but on the contrary...it works out better when you do it from the bitty bottom. There's more riding on the situation. When you are sad, feeling down and out, have no money, very few friends, when you're going through a breakup/divorce, when someone dies, when everything is shaky, when it seems like there's no favor or grace in sight. Even when someone tells you that they needed more when you were giving your all. You know, when it seems that no one could possibly understand what you're going through, because they just can't.
Cry first, many many times.
Exhaust yourself with this. There's not enough crying that can be done.
I'm being very serious.
Have an adult tantrum.
Then make the decision to want something better and walk in that direction.
Cry some more, but keep on moving until you cry less.
And every time you stray from the proper path and you notice, find your way back and continue on the path to where you ultimately belong.
Doesn't it seem like we're constantly going up and down? It's because we are. When you have your youth and your best body, that's when you're at your dumbest. You do silly shit You take silly shit from people. You listen to the worst advice and it sounds rational. You don't trust yourself enough. You make the type of mistakes that can set you back at least five years. You are the most reckless that you'll ever be. You jay walk. You search through your lover's phone if you suspect they aren't true. You show up late to work often. You don't take your vitamins. You don't drink enough water, hardly eat fruits and barely any veggies. You only brush once a day. You drink and hang out all night long. It's terrible.
It's when you get older and wiser, a little wider and slower that the path becomes more clear. Not for everyone, but for most of us. There's very little difference between you and the ones who find their path early. You know the ones, who make money doing something it seems anyone can do.
The key is that it requires laser focus, being positive, remaining calm and having diligence consistently.
We all have a proper path, a design, a purpose. It's your job to follow the tiny steps to find it. This does not have anything to do with what other people think about you. If you are busy being your best self, life will place you right where you need to be.
I know that some of us were born into situations which make it extremely difficult for us to even have goals. The luxury to come up with an original idea and create a master plan without a certain someone ruining it with words or behavior can seem impossible. Sometimes we're more busy moving through life for survival in that instance. Many people have great childhoods and end up in situations that completely change the trajectory of their lives. Sometimes, it takes far longer than it should to get out of that emotional and mental rut. I know, I'm one of those people.
Very often, when you come from something or somewhere traumatizing (even though you set your life on cruise control) a bump in the road happens and you resort back to your original thought pattern. You get frightened, then upset and react or retreat. You give up. This is natural, but you have to start reprogramming yourself immediately. Just like you would hard power off and reboot your PC if something went wrong. You have to reset yourself and make cautious and proper decisions for Y O U.
Do you just stay in that spot on the road forever? You've never seen that happen. Even in the very worst accidents, every scrap gets cleaned up. Sometimes you really have to think in order to remember exactly where the accident took place or you may not even think about it at all, because it's over. This is how you have to treat life. It's hard, but it's very doable.
I'm lucky to have weathered some extremely rough storms. By the grace of God, I'm still here.
Once upon a time not so long ago...
Some shit would happen.
I'd be shocked.
Soak it up like a sponge.
Wallow in it
I'd say and do all the wrong things or do absolutely nothing to correct the problem or even step out of the way.
I get mad.
I'd move on and drag that thing around with me everywhere I went.
I'd be internally mad at almost everyone.
I assure you, that is not the way.
When some shit happens, you have to recover quickly. Trust me, you are not the first to ever do it and you're not the first person that it's ever happened to, respectfully.
You have something to get back to and that's you!
I never really knew what my "purpose" was. One day in the summer of 2017, a very good friend of mine said that I should start a blog. The idea settled and blossomed in my mind. I didn't think about the work that it entailed nor how much it would cost. I just did it. This one thing has led me to so many other things that has blossomed. It's like a small mental bouquet. One day it will be a mental flower shop. Then a field and then a forest. All because I decided to really make a plan and stick to it. Rain or shine. Guess what? It rained. It fucking poured in my life. However, I recovered pretty damn well from most of it, because I kept going back to the original plan. I'm still at it. I am bless enough to still be here breathing, moving, smiling and learning how best to deal with the things that will always be around. Guess what? All of the distractions won't stop me. All of your things shouldn't stop you either.
I've always known that I was a writer, so instead of waiting for my book that I didn't finish writing to somehow miraculously get published, I decided to blog about life as I experience it right now. Not many people read it yet and they possibly never will and that is alright. It's just a place that I can come to let things out. It's my therapy. I also continue to write my regular stuff daily. I attend online workshops to keep me around like minded individuals. I give myself a to do list almost every single day, especially on the weekends. If I don't finish it all, I tack it on to the very next day and complete it then and I have a 9 - 5:30. You can do it too.
Now, if I only had that type of discipline with eating and working out.
Let's see what I'm watching, reading and listening to...
H A R L E M (Amazon Prime)
I enjoyed watching this series after episode one. The acting takes some getting used to, but now I'm all in and ready for season two.
T H E S E X L I V E S O F C O L L E G E G I R L S (HBOMax)
I bumped into this show when I had an emotional dip in the month and it helped give me something to look forward to and pulled me right out of my rut. When I tell you F U N N Y just believe me. You won't regret it.
J E A N O F T H E J O N E S E S (Amazon Prime)
This movie was so good, I had to watch it twice, back to back. I feel like the Jean in my family.
A N D J U S T L I K E T H A T (HBOMax)
It must be said, that I was slightly reluctant to watch this series for a few reasons that I will not speak on, even though I couldn't live without Sex In the City/Sex & the City (but are you really a fan? haha). I even have memorabilia from the original show cause my true day ones know that I had Carrie Fever. Some of them still call me the black Carrie Bradshaw. I think it has to do with my blog and my love of clothes and shoes. There's a Carrie in us all.
T H E W O M A N W H O W E N T T O B E D F O R A Y E A R
They say that you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. So, I judged it by it's title. I am currently listening to this funny audio book on Audibles the app. Quite possibly because this is how I feel oftentimes, like I want to go to bed for an entire year.
I am also still reading The 1619 Project by Nikole Hannah-Jones. Which is more like studying and I love every second of it. Sometimes I read one small passage and I have to close the book and sit still in thought. I am that boggled.
D A I L Y B R E A T H
I stumbled onto this podcast just in time for the new year. Recently, I started from the very beginning (April 2019) and I'll work my way through. It's not too much since each episode is less than 10 minutes long and very relaxing.
F O L A R I N I I by W A L E
I love just about everything Wale does, but honestly I still have to listen to the entire album.
M A G I C by N A S I R J O N E S
The only rapper that I'd marry just dropped yet another album and I'm all ears. I can only listen to NAS back to back. I play the most recent album to the oldest or vice versa. Just because I can.
I N S E C U R E: S O U N D T R A C K (Tidal)
It's over now and although I could cry, I'll just listen to the incredible music that was introduced to us from the inception of this wonderful show. Also #TeamLawrence
I H A T E Y O U by S Z A
I don't like to feel like I'm mentally pressuring an artist to put out an entire album just for the likes of us fans. However, I will accept these one and dones by SZA cause I think she's so eclectic and beautiful. She also makes Fuck you sound so sweet. lol
Ya know what...? People are going to feel how they want and more than likely, there's very little you can do to change that without help from them. All the things you do will never be 100% correct for everyone. Oh Well, so what? Don't waste your time walking in the wrong direction for someone else. Walk in the right direction for yourself. Knowing that sometimes you'll be by yourself. Don't worry, it won't be for long. Stay diligent in the things that interest you and bring you joy. I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
"To realize one's destiny is a person's only real obligation. All things are one. When you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you achieve it." ~Paulo Coelho
L O V E,