With memory and logic in tact, sometimes I lose my mind. Not the entire thing, just pieces of it. It comes back quickly, but in that moment I become a controlled emotional wreck if any of my schedules doesn't go according to plan. I'll try to tell you why without allowing gratitude/blessings to seep out of my proverbial cup.
First things first, I miss pockets of my old life. I miss being younger, more carefree, because I had endless time and possibilities. Unfortunately, I listened closely to what others said I couldn't do and ended up at square one often.
Secondly, my son is in his last year of high school and time will really tell just how well I've mothered him over the years. And too, I'm missing him before the nest is even empty. The list of things to do is quite long between now and June.
Next up, I've been writing for years and I need to figure out what to do with all of these words. They don't stop (which is a good thing). They just keep coming. If I'm not physically writing, I'm thinking in the form of a story. If I don't write it down, it goes away until something triggers me, but it's never as good as the first time I thought of it.
Finally, I've been alone for so long that I wonder if I'm doing a disservice to myself. Will I ever find love again? Will it find me? Cause honestly, I do not like dating apps and that can't be all there is. Everyone is a scammer or a liar. I swear! lol I miss walking into potential love on the street. I want to bump into it at the grocery store or at a restaurant. Once it's discovered, I want to skip the beginning of a relationship and get to the part where comfortable lives. Where kisses come easily without over thinking. When emotions have a rhythm and I want to lay next to it with my arms and legs draped in security. I want to be it's big spoon and I want to be it's dessert. Take long walks, have great conversations with lots of trust, go to events hand in hand.
But everybody knows that when you dwell on what you had, you tend to lose sight of what you currently H A V E. So, I'm trying my very best to stay focused on my life's assignment.
As for my son, I am treating the whole upcoming college experience as a big to do list. One step at a time, be on time, be prepared and ready in case he needs my assistance. Right now, it's essays, SATs, AP classes, college applications, FAFSA forms, keeping grades up, being on time for school, senior pictures and basketball tryouts. Most of all, making sure he enjoys everything. I realized that just as fast as high school will go, so will the college years and he'll be back in a more grown up way.
I may not know what to do with all the words, but I know what to do with some of them... put them right H E R E. :) I'm starting with this and see where my other projects take me.
As for L O V E, I'm going to continue loving myself. I'm still new at doing that consciously without guilt. I want to love myself so well that I reset the bar or better yet, replace it.
This is just the beginning.
Let me tell you what I have been reading, watching and listening to.
My Reading List:
Mom & Me & Mom
Lately, I'm interested in what I've experienced in motherhood. I'm interested in how others have done it and what they think about the mothers that they had as a human being. What better way than from the poetic words of Maya Angelou?
Maid
This one will show up twice on this list. I just started reading it after watching the series. Let me tell you that sometimes the odds are stacked so high against you as a mother. That journey has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else and it has everything to do with what you'll do to survive for you and for your child.
UNSEEN
I'm currently in deep research about what the world looked like when my parents first came to Harlem. Cause it's so funny to come from a small Caribbean island and end up on the same island in New York City. Big thanks to my friend, Tashanna for buying this book for my birthday.
One more...Because this one is so amazing to me. This book is $535.95! However, it's absolutely worth it. One day I'll have it and even better than that, I'll have an actual piece of Bisa's art on my wall. What's better than a piece of black art? Black portraits made entirely of F A B R I C!
BISA BUTLER - PORTRAITS
My Music Selection:
This was such an emotional month!!!! Quite frankly, they all are. LOL What do you expect? I'm an Aquarius woman.
I listened to these singles a LOT.
My Slime, Foushee
Dem No Worry We, Super Cat (He was at the Barclays this month. Sorry I missed it)
Love Nwantiti (ah ah ah), Ckay, Joeboy, Kuami Eugene (My son loves this song right now. Me too)
Twinnem, Coi Leray (McKyle says I'm his twinnem - he also said Sir is his twinnem too) I felt special for about a week.
Arrow Through Me, Paul McCartney, Wings (I can listen to this five times back to back)
These three albums have been in heavy rotation and will continue to be. I love them so much.
King's Disease II, Nas (For the ride home - up the West Side Highway)
Planet Her, Doja Cat (While waiting in Starbucks and the walk to work)
Certified Lover Boy, Drake (The first track plays as we pull out of our parking spot in the mornings)
P O D C A S T S
I feel like I always list this first one, but here goes...
Oprah Super Soul Conversations
This particular episode has two parts and was Wonderful! Maybe not for everyone, but it was definitely right on time for me. Listen as Oprah has a soul to soul conversation with Tarana Burke, the originator of the Me Too movement.
Sincerely, X
I stumbled upon this podcast and loved it mostly for the sound of Sarah Kay's voice. In this episode Sarah goes from being the host to being the person interviewed and I have to say, it was so comforting to listen to her read her poems and discuss them.
Storytime With Seth Rogen
What a funny show. It only has about two or three episode so far, but he had me at the first show when he had Quinta Brunson on. Highly entertaining and a good way to fill a drive or train ride home.
My Watch List:
Wu-Tang: An American Saga (Hulu)
This series is now in it's second season and is well worth the watch if you are a fan of the infamous hip-hop group Wu-Tang Clan. I love seeing how it all started and how it all came together. And too, the cast is perfect.
Savage X Fenty Show: Vol. 3 (Amazon Prime)
What can I say about this fashion show that you don't already know? Nothing! There's nothing to say, but watch it. You'll love everything about it. It's S E X Y.
Only Murders In The Building (Hulu)
An unlikely trio when you add Selena Gomez...However, Steve Martin and Martin Short combined with Selena blends so well in this comedic suspense series. Every episode was entertaining and just when I thought it may come to an end, the finale hints at a possible second season. I'm excited for it.
Nine Perfect Strangers (Hulu)
What an interesting show about nine strangers to end up at a very strange retreat that will change them and their lives forever. I still have to watch the last few episodes after I write this.
MAID (Netflix)
This show was an emotional roller coaster of whether the main character would make it from one day to the next with all the odds stacked against her as a single mother coming out of an abusive relationship. I binged this one and didn't regret it.
9 to 5: The Story of A Movement (Netflix)
As a kid, 9 to 5 was a funny movie to me and the song was incredibly catchy. I loved Dolly Parton songs and Dolly Parton movies. However, I did not know that the song and movie were based off of a female organization made up of office workers in the 1970's. They fought for better pay, health insurance, more opportunities and mainly they were against sexual harassment. Watch this and then watch the movie. We've come a long way in office etiquette. Still waiting on that equal pay though.
Honesty hour - I wrote this blog post about two weeks ago. The only reason I'm posting it is because I promised myself that I would be more consistent with the things that are important to me. I have a whole new list of things to read, watch and listen to, but I'll save it for the next one. Also, I edited this while listening to my son go on and on about the new Halloween movie. So pardon me if there are any typos.
Stay true to yourself and do what you like, but be safe and kind to others.
L O V E,
Jas
