It is the very last day of the year and how wonderfully fitting that it has gently fallen on a Sunday. I love the holidays, but there is an internal joy that the end of the year/coming of a new one brings me. So much has happened and although I'm not thinking too hard, there is nothing that I regret. No, not one thing. I believe, that in order to understand the formula of life, you have to slowly come to the realization that we ask for things constantly and God or the universe is always listening. Whether the request is aloud or just a mental wish; with a little action and stick-to-itiveness anything can be accomplished and take on a life that you could never have imagined. 2017 has taught me that anything can be done and in a small amount of time. You just have to REALLY want it.
Let me start by saying that time goes by rather quickly and unproductively if you let it. However, it does not have to be this way my friends.
I'm no expert. I just do what works for me at any given time. Also, I try to always think in a process of progression. I usually intend for things to be better the next time and then the time after that and so on. Saved a bit of money...how can I save more next time? Went on a beautiful vacation...where else can I go? How can I make the trip better when I go again? How do I have my world evolve with less stress? How do I feel more healthy daily? How do I get my son to school earlier? How can I be more productive with my writing? How can I be better at this thing called L I F E?
I'm in constant search for comfortability. Now, my level of comfort and security may not define everyone else's. For me, it's not about riches so much. I don't need many things to make me feel blessed. It's more about mental and physical well being. I want to be able to take proper care of myself while I'm here and leave something wonderful behind for my son and the ones that he creates. I want them to remember me as someone who added on for them. That is all.
In saying that, it was a long road to getting situated at 39 to make a comfortable world for myself and my child. I had to let go and hang on to many things at the same time. It sounds crazy I know. It felt worse at times. However, in order for the shoes of life to fit me, I needed not only to break them in, but I also need to keep up the maintenance on them as well.
My second year of being on my own after high school, I realized that I needed structure. My world was a disaster and I felt blind. I had no clue of where to look for it. So, I started with what I had. I stayed home and focused all of my energy on creating a list of goals on a poster board. I don't really remember where the idea came from (probably Oprah as I was fascinated with her and still am), but I wrote down all the things that I wanted to accomplish within a year's time. I think there were ten things on my original list. I needed a social security card, a driver's permit, I wanted to start saving more money, I wanted a new wardrobe for work, a cd/stereo from the Sharper Image and I can't remember the rest because it was many lists ago. Long story short, I obtained all those things including the flat Sharper Image cd/stereo that was a gift that I never even asked for. I cried when I received it, because it felt magical - almost like the universe took a peek into my heart and asked my desires. It was like a small whisper from God telling me to hold on. I'll be just fine. Things like that over the years would keep me on the track of doing what I needed to.
Over the years, my Yearly Goal Chart turned into vision boards complete with pictures and magazine clippings of things I wanted and places that I wanted to go. Mainly, who I wanted to be. I desperately wanted to be a writer. I already was one and couldn't think of the idea of me being one more than in my head. How does one ever go from a thought to someone published? My words always said that I wanted to see my books on a table or in the window of a bookstore, like Barnes & Noble. I am still not there, but I know that it is possible and if you speak L O U D enough for yourself and the universe to hear you it ends up happening.
Last year, I stumbled upon the bullet journal. I obsessed over my leather bound journal constantly. The thing about this was it was my yearly goal chart, but monthly, weekly, DAILY...I had more goals! The more I thought about them and filled in a page the more I created another. Endless goals almost blew my mind. However, I was still juggling my son and his life as a new teenager, work, and my emotions about divorce and life. I felt alone at times; a good balance of happy and sad. I was trying to filter out the sadness. And one day, I had brunch with a friend. I wrote an earlier blog article about it (The Five Things I Learned From Divine). During that brunch which turned into an entire day, she told me that I was a good storyteller and that I should write a blog. I was like, "nah" and she simply said, "just think about it". In that moment, something happened...the seed that was tossed into my mental soil came to fruition and even though I couldn't see a bit of green push through, I felt it. It tingled everyday. Some days it even hurt. I couldn't sleep. Life came at me in a rush and it didn't make any sense. Some days I wanted to just not think about it, but I couldn't it was too late. I asked for it and I was receiving it. I was smart enough to thank my friend for watering my seedling that day when I was prepared to give up and give in to sorrow. I started out that brunch so sad and I left it hopeful, because so many things happened in that short-long eleven hour period.
Within the course of a year, pivotal people, important things, constant everyday love and other emotions from my beautiful child, good and bad experiences with Sir (all minimal with him by the way), good and bad experiences with my work family, close bonds with friends near and far, watching life experiences through other people's eyes, the daily grind (which was now a fairly smooth constant flow), seeing one cousin almost daily, having one friend that works down the block from my office, the possibility of a love that makes me wait (I promise to write about this later), two Facebook groups that keeps me occupied often and teaches me real life lessons as an adult, my siblings being near with encouragement, reading little tidbits daily, M U S I C (that alone could bring tears to my eyes), and the documentation of it all via blogging, writing, videos and voice recordings - it all brought me to the J A S that I am right now. Fantastic me...this person that I couldn't see clearly before, because I always felt ugly and slightly silly with a kind heart. I can't believe I just wrote that. S I L E N C E. Silence and prayer. God being loud in my heart. It all brought me here, appreciating me and doing better than I was a year ago.
So, while everyone is constantly pushing us to make A resolution (that we sometimes do not keep), I have come up with a solution... for me at least and I'm passing it on to you...make one every single day, because everything is finally starting to make sense and I'm so G R A T E F U L for it.
In conclusion, on this final day of the year, I will be conducting everything on the list in the image above. In my own time and to my own rhyme, so that later, when that beautiful ball drops in the same city that I reside in, I will be my version of comfortable for my new.
Happy New Year to you.
O N E L O V E, J A S